For the past few months, I've been reading blogs of other SM's experiences and researched how to become a surrogate, what the process entails, how to pick an agency, how to pore over contracts and scrutinize details. I've read posts on message boards describing the best way to give injections and learned words like "betas," "blastocycts," "chemical pregnancies," and "progesterone ethyl oleate."
One thing I hadn't done much of, until last week, was read blogs of IPs. Let me explain a little. I've known for quite some time that I wanted to experience being a surrogate for someone. I knew I wanted to help a couple that had faced the hard realization of not being able to carry their own child. I know this is something that one does not accept easily and while the knowledge that you can still have your own child is comforting, I imagine it cannot erase the pain that many people/couples go through before turning to surrogacy. All of the stories I've come across have been sad, but some of them are just heart-wrenching. They have me in tears wondering why pregnancy is so easy and under-appreciated for some and why it is so terribly painstaking for others. People who want a baby so badly they can taste it, smell it, dream it...I love my babies with every ounce of me. I have my bad days when I am dreadfully human and I lose my patience, and now I think about how patient my IPs have been in wanting this baby (they even waited a few months so I could transfer when it worked for my schedule/body/workplace). I have times when I get upset at having to clean the kitchen floor for the third time in an evening, and now I think about the frustration my IPs have had to face. I think about how sad I get when my children don't get along with each other, and now I think about people who want children so badly, they'd feel lucky to break up a sibling spat. The things I feel are all normal, parental feelings and I don't feel wrong or badly for having them. What I am thankful for is a new perspective at the joy I feel at being blessed with my life. If I can thank surrogacy for one more thing, it would be for reminding me how much more precious these days I have with my children are. I want to make my IPs' longing go away. I want to give them a baby (or babies) to fill up that space in their hearts. I want them to experience every part of being a mommy and daddy, good and bad. Most of all, I want to make their hurts go away. I already knew how important my role is to the success of this surrogacy, but this reaffirms the magnitude of the thing we are trying to accomplish. So many people play their parts in this process and I will do whatever it takes to get mine right. Bring on the needles. :)