How Does It Feel?

We are 12 weeks today! Almost done with the first trimester. I had my first OB visit on Monday and everything's great. The nurse and OB had a hard time finding the heartbeat though. My OB didn't want me to worry so she had me come in the next morning for a quickie ultrasound at her office. It was an antiquated Ultrasound machine, but she just uses it to check position of the baby mainly. It did the trick for us though and we saw a nice, strong heartbeat. Instant relief. It's hard not to worry about something like that. Had it been my own child, I wouldn't have thought much about it (especially because I can feel this little one moving around!) but the added pressure of carrying for someone else makes your mind wander. Don't get me wrong, that is part of what you sign up for in surrogacy, I just want to help potential surrogates know what it's like.

My IPs are out of the country right now so we're corresponding through email. It's odd not to hear E's voice everyday!! She and I usually chat away incessantly. They are having a good time though so I am happy for them. When they get back, they will be here in Texas and we are all super excited for this. It means they will be able to come to the appointments more easily and really be in on everything.

So, now that the baby is growing, moving, thriving, people have started asking me how I feel about it all. It's an odd thing to describe because not everyone can put themselves in the shoes of a surrogate. Not everyone was designed to be one so it can be hard for people to imagine not having that maternal connection to a child you are so intimately aware of. I will say that it is always amazing to see a baby on that screen in the doctor's office. I am and will always be awed by it. This time, as opposed to my three babies, it was as if I was looking at someone else's experience from the outside. True, this baby is in me, nurtured by me, but I don't feel any sense of ownership or mothering towards the baby. Do I want him/her to be healthy? Do I watch what I eat, drink, do, etc.? YES. Probably moreso than with MY children. So, while I care for this baby's well-being in the most extreme way, I do not feel that pull that was there with each of my children. The day is not spent dreaming of names, nurseries, baby clothes. As callous as it sounds, I look at my 3 and think, "I am glad you are not coming home with me little one!" As it should be, he/she will be delivered into his/her parents' loving arms and I will never have an ounce of regret for that. It will be one of my greatest accomplishments in life, besides my own children, of course.

Some women have hard, long, trying pregnancies. One of the unofficial pre-requisites for surrogates is easy pregnancies. There are some of us that are real troopers and fight morning sickness and myriad other symptoms, but for some of us, pregnancy really is a fun, easy time. I am one of those lucky ones and I am so glad to be able to use my forces for good. :) I've had minimal nausea, I'm off of meds now so my hiney's recovering and aside from being cranky, I really have no complaints. :) I do dream of ice chips, but that's at least another several months away! :D